Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Recovery Update 2

In other news, here's my latest vlog

You never got to bloom.

I’ve started to write this blog what seems like a million times. There just aren’t really any adequate words to start explaining something like this. So I guess this will have to do and I’m just going to be brutally blunt. 

I haven’t really been around much since the start of the year and if I’m being honest when I have been, I’ve been putting on a bit of a face. To put it simply I’ve had the worst year of my life. Earlier this year I met someone. At last right? I honestly thought I had found someone perfect, amazing and after all the shit I’ve been through this was now it. My missing piece. Happy ending. 
Suddenly out of nowhere they broke up with me. He had a million reasons such as he was embarrassed by being out with myself and my son in public, he hated when people saw him with Dyllan. He also didn’t want any distractions from his dream that was on the cards which I supported him with everything I had for. I was so in love with him I stood by his decision and just wanted him to be happy no matter how heart broken and hurt I was. I was in complete shock and couldn’t quite believe what had happened. Time to dust myself off though and move on. But one morning I was going about my normal routine and BAM! Something suddenly felt strange. Something wasn’t right. And it was a feeling that was very familiar. Oh yes. I was pregnant. Thanks medication. Let’s skip the few panic attacks and freak outs I had for a few days. When it had finally sunk in that I really was pregnant and this wasn’t some late night cheese munching induced crazy ass dream, it was time for some decision making and soul searching. 

I wanted to move away. Far away and not tell anyone here that I was pregnant. I didn’t want to tell him because he had made it clear that having a child would ruin his life. He actually said that to me in those words in a conversation once. I was still so in love with him that I couldn’t tell him. I didn’t want to ruin his dreams. I was convinced to stay though and after a tough conversation with a very dear friend I decided to tell him. I had a cancer scare just before I found out I was pregnant and because we were still on speaking terms I told him about it. I thought that was hard, but compared to this bombshell from the stork it was a breeze. I called him over and sat him down.

I was so scared. I was holding back tears and shaking so much I was almost laughing. It was very strange place to be emotionally. To this day I don’t know how I managed to get those words out of my mouth but I did. After the initial ‘But you’re on the pill’ conversation I told him that no matter what we decide to do having an abortion wouldn’t be an option. There was no way I could do that. He sat there, thought, and the first words to come out of his mouth? “Well, I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and my life’s fucked anyway.” Well, that’s a nice thing to say I thought. He then told me how we were going to make a go of it. Everything will be fine and we’ll make it work. He even went on to say how his Dad will be so happy he’s a Grandad and said excitedly himself “Wow, I’m gonna be a Dad!” I wasn’t really taking all of this in at the time. I was convinced the second I told him he would turn and walk out the door never to be seen again. He hugged me and told me we would be fine but I had to tell him that I didn’t want him to get back together with me just because I was pregnant. He said that he had been doing a lot of thinking and actually wanted to get back with me anyway. I wanted to believe him, but at that point in time I didn’t really care. The millstone around my neck had gone. 

In the next few weeks we started to plan things out. We would move away together and start a new life so he could carry on with his dream, I got the ball rolling and put in for a housing transfer and we were aiming to be out by now. I couldn’t wait. I even looked into nursing jobs in the area. Life was pretty damn perfect. He started to say how he was getting excited as the weeks passed, although he still didn’t like me talking about it all with him. We had names but I knew they were a girl. The same feeling I had about Dyllan being a boy. I’d tell him about baby’s progress from those tracker things and say what exactly they were developing in that particular week, He’d always stop me though and say he didn’t want to talk about it. He still looked after me though. I was so frightened I would have another pregnancy like I had with Dyllan which was horrific and I had worse than no support what so ever. He would constantly tell me to rest and banned me from coffee until midwife said that one or two cups a day was ok. Once he even hugged me putting his hand on my tiny belly which was possibly the best feeling I’ve ever felt. 
Everything was perfect until one night I woke up to be sick and when I got back into bed I had the most intense pains. They took my breath away. During the day before I had noticed I had a tiny spot of blood, but thought nothing of it as I bled quite badly with Dyllan. I put two and two together and as the pain got worse I knew I was miscarrying. He held me and kept me talking to take my mind of the pain, asking if he should call an ambulance or something but I told him that if I really am miscarrying it’s too late and nothing could be done. He assured me everything will be ok, and if it does happen then we’ll still have each other and we can try again one day. Morning finally came and he went to work while I went to the doctors and then the hospital and after what seemed like a life time it was confirmed that I had lost the baby. They decided against doing a D&C and to let things happen naturally.

After meeting him at the hospital I was completely numb. We came home and I cried and cried, which he then had a go at me for. The only thing that was keeping me going was Dyllan because deep down, I knew he was relieved that I had lost the baby. I can’t even begin to describe how devastated I was and how much I hated myself for losing the baby. Whenever I wanted to talk about it, or cry about it, he’d say he didn’t want to and when I got upset he would have a go at me saying that he had lost a baby too. And then, a matter of days after losing his child, he dumped me. 

I was completely and utterly broken. I so desperately wanted my baby back and all I had left was all lies. From the second I woke up to when I fell asleep all I could think about was the baby and how it must be my fault. For a few weeks after I was bleeding on and off and had to have a couple of scans, every time wishing and praying that there had been some mistake and that I was actually still pregnant. And then there was the heart break of the father seeing his chance and running as far as he can. He told me that he wanted to be even closer than best friends, and that he still loved me but he just can’t be with me right now. That soon went out the window when he moved away. He only spoke to me when I would contact him and as for my attack and being in hospital he only exchanged messages with me 3 times for the entire 3 weeks I was in there. One of which was having a go at me for being upset and scared about what was happening to me, saying “Well, there’s nothing I can do about it.” Silly me for thinking he wanted to know what was going on. Since then I think he’s tweeted me twice about something completely random and that’s about it. It was hard for Dyllan too. He was his best friend and for weeks and weeks every day he would look everywhere for him, under cushions, looking out the window, running around the house calling his name. He still does it occasionally and gets very upset when he sees a picture of him. Friends tell me that after what he did it was life’s way of getting him out of my life but no matter how hard I try to think like that I just can’t. That was still my baby. A complete innocent in all this. And they were loved so much. I still wish with everything I have to have them back, I still cry my eyes out daily and there isn’t an hour that goes past without me thinking of my little baby. I still rage with envy at pregnant women. Why did I have to lose mine? It’s not fair. I was so low that if it wasn’t for Dyllan I would have walked in front of a bus. The only thing keeping me alive was Dyllan. Even now there are times when I still feel like that. I also have the problem of the housing transfer as the ball was very much rolling and even though they are doing what they can it still might be too late and I may not have a choice but to still move away. So I lost my baby, my relationship and what’s looking like my home too. 

Shortly after I miscarried, a friend of mine who was also pregnant about a week ahead of me also miscarried. Life’s strange hey. But the other day she posted pictures of her scans. I’m so happy for her that she’s pregnant again, but it’s an odd feeling when I still have these pangs of jealousy. I doubt they’ll ever go. But in thinking about that this morning I suddenly remembered something I had done while I was still pregnant. 

Just before I miscarried I had a scan, I never told the father as I wanted to surprise him with it (and I had completely forgotten that I had a scan until the morning of it. Baby brain~). I squirreled the picture away and waited for the right time to surprise him. Unfortunately the miscarriage came first and after that I couldn’t bear to show him or even look at the picture. In the stress of everything I somehow forgot about it. I don’t know how and there’s a part of me that feels awful for forgetting it. I battled with a lot of feelings this morning over it. I decided that it was time to stop keeping this to myself and for some reason I want to share it with you. 

While I was in hospital someone told me that with Multiple Sclerosis they say it takes one massive stress to bring out your first big attack. Well ladies and gentlemen, this was mine. And my god does it feel cathartic to finally talk about it. 

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Big Bad News.

I've been diagnosed with MS after a nasty attack that put me in hospital for 3 weeks. I vlogged as much as I could though since about the diagnosis and my recovery, better to watch them than me try and type it all. Plus, as an added surprise gift, My laptop has died. So my updates until I get another will probably be few and far between as posting from my phone isn't brilliant. Subscribe to me on YouTube though as I'll be vlogging my updates with my phone.

Monday, 19 September 2011

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Sunday, 4 September 2011

Monday, 29 August 2011

Good lord I've been busy.

If I'm being completely honest, I have had the craziest 3 months of my life. Most of it, has been the best time of my life. Some of it however has just been horrific. 
But all is as good as it can be now and I'm hitting the fitness wagon hard! Now I've lost all the weight I'm now able to exercise and work on my health and now it's time to tone tone tone! So I'm excited about my health and fitness adventure. Once I've got my cardio up to a basic level I'm going to do P90X which is intense but hell I'm going to do it. I've had enough of not being happy with my body and most importantly not healthy! 

I've also started vlogging again. Here is my latest vlog, featuring my new tattoo and weight loss ramblings.

And here is a quick introduction to Chester the Carpet Python!

I hope you are all well and I shall be checking back in soon!

Sunday, 31 July 2011

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

All aboard the Train Walk!

The National Autistic Society and Thomas & FriendsTM are chuffed to announce the return of our family-fun sponsored walks for summer 2011. Departing from locations across the UK, Train Walks are a great day out for a great cause.

Money raised from Train Walks will be helping The National Autistic Society to support people with autism of all ages in your local area, so what are you waiting for? We'll be there to support you every step of the way with helpful tips and information, so let the fun begin.

On Sunday 24th of July Dyllan will be taking part in the sponsored Train Walk at The Isle of Wight Steam Railway. The resources The National Autistic Society provide to people and families effected by autism are invaluable so fundraising is vital for them to keep up the good work.  

If you would like to sponsor Dyllan, please visit the Isle of Wight's Train Walk Just Giving Page. Don't forget to say in the comments who you are sponsoring too!

Donating through Justgiving is quick, easy and totally secure. It’s also the most efficient way to sponsor me: National Autistic Society gets your money faster and, if you’re a UK taxpayer, Justgiving makes sure 25% in Gift Aid, plus a 3% supplement, are added to your donation.
Thank you once again for helping to raise money for the Isle of Wight branch of the National Autistic Society. Your donation has helped the branch to continue its work in supporting families affected by the autistic spectrum on the Isle of Wight.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Sunday, 12 June 2011

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Monday, 30 May 2011

Where have I been?

Well gosh, where haven't I been. Yes it's one of those posts. Where for the past couple of months I have been so busy disappearing up my own backside that it is far easier to update you all with pictures I have snapped with my phone. Most of them my Instagram buddies will have seen already but oh well.


When the sun has been out there has been PIMMS


We have been exploring new fairy houses at Blackgang Chine


Been on trips to the mainland


Had fun with photoshop on Canv.as 


Admired flowers


Pissed off my cat


Had 2" cut off my hair


Took a ride in a fire engine


Partied hard


Remembered the great Randy Savage R.I.P


Went to the cinema

070 (2)

Zoomed over the Solent some more


My 24th birthday


Liberated little birthday girls hats and wore them backwards

004 (2)

Dressed up


Spotted hipsters


Chilled out in the garden


Visited pretty gardens

"You're waiting for a train..."


Planned some very epic home videos, all will be revealed soon.


But this however was a very big thing. This thing turned our whole lives upside down. The water main pipe burst and wrecked everything in it's sight. Luckily it is all resolved now and I'm looking on the bright side. New kitchen floor. That's about it really for bright sides of this situation as now that my floor is fixed my washing machine has decided to pack up. Woop.

So that is what we have been doing. Life is starting to calm down now the kitchen drama is over, and we are looking ahead to the summer which is supposedly going to be a warm one? I'm sceptical, but I have the surf wax at the ready. 

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Mighty Meals by Organix - Review

New from the brilliant Organix brand, Mighty Meals are the perfect solution for toddlers on the go. Providing a yummy wholesome organic meal in 5 delicious choices that can be prepared in under a minute in the microwave, you can be sure your child is getting good healthy food even when time isn't on your side.


What's for dinner? Tomatoey Beef Bolognese , Hearty Lamb Hotpot, Creamy Chicken Pasta, Spinach Falafels and Pork Meatballs.

Dyllan loves the Organix brand. When he grew out of their jars I wished they had something for bigger children because not only did he think they were great, they were convenient and I could be sure that it wasn't any old stuff going in his mouth. Well, thanks to the wonderful people at Organix, my prayers have been answered! Dyllan's diet problems have been getting worse and his fussiness is off the scale so I was nervous as to how he would take to these.


They are the perfect size for toddlers.


Ingredients are labelled clearly as are the allergens, full marks!

I'm am over the moon with this product. Not only is it a brilliant product in it's self but more importantly Dyllan actually eats it! The first of the 2 meals we were sent to try lasted about 3 mouthfuls before it went everywhere. Concluded that if dear autistic son does not want falafels suddenly then get them out of his sight pronto! The bolognese went down a treat though, hopefully a step toward him eating a home cooked bolognese meal? I can but dream. 

Organix Mighty Meals (RRP: £1.99) are currently available from the Organix Online Shop and in Boots where you can also get 20% off! (6 weeks from the 6th of May). Then they will be available in large supermarkets such as Asda, Waitrose and Sainbury's from June/July onwards. 

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Saturday, 30 April 2011

Nougat London's Nurturing Hand Cream - Review

Nougat London kindly sent me a small jar of their Nurturing Hand Cream in Tuberose & Jasmine to sample and review.


First, a little background on the company:

"Nougat London was established in 1990 as a fashion label in London’s West End. Nougat London’s clothes are instantly recognised as being beautiful garments, combining classic styling with a contemporary twist but always remaining undeniably feminine.
In 2000 Nougat London launched the Bath & Body range to enable the customers to further indulge in the sophistication and indulgence of the Nougat brand. 
Seven years on the Nougat Bath & Body range goes from strength to strength and is stocked in distinguished department stores such as Harrods and John Lewis through to independent fashion and gift boutiques throughout the UK. 
Body to Home is now developing a cult following across Europe, North America and through the Middle East.."


The Hand Cream:

"Available in Tuberose & Jasmine, Fig & Pink Cedar and our fabulous new fragrance Cherry Blossom.
Our Nurturing Hand Cream is specially formulated to soften, protect your hands and strengthen your nails. This rich, yet easily absorbed, cream contains the moisturising properties of Cocoa Butter as well as Almond and Macadamia oils renowned for their ability to hydrate. Also containing natural extract of Comfrey and Vitamin E for to soothe and care for your hard working hands.
Also available in a 50ml glass jar and 40ml and 75ml tube.
For best results use in conjunction with our Caring Hand Wash or our Rejuvenating Hand Polish for fabulously cared for hands."


"All the bath and body products are manufactured in England ensuring we use traditional manufacturing techniques and maintain the high quality our customers have come to expect from us. Each formulation is researched and developed to combine traditional and contemporary natural remedies for the ultimate experience."  


This cream is delightful. I have used it for a week and have had plenty of compliments in regards to the lovely fragrance, and my mother loves it (I have even used it on my feet shhhh!). A little actually goes a long way, and is absorbed quickly without leaving a greasy residue. The fragrance is pleasant, although if you use too much it can be quite heavy and over powering, I really wouldn't recommend using this product just before you eat.  

It is excellent value for money, a 50ml glass jar like mine is only £7 and a 40ml tube is a snip at just £6 and is perfect for your handbag. If you are super organised and buy your Christmas present throughout the year this is ideal, and after perusing their website I have a few lovely ideas in mind myself!  

My only criticism of this product would be that it could be a little more soothing. After a hard day of housework my hands need what I would call 'a drink' and I found that this product didn't soothe and refresh quite enough. Saying that, My hands can get quite sensitive so that is something worth bearing in mind. 

In all I do like this product, and so do the people who have sneakily pinched some from my jar ;)