Thursday, 9 February 2012

Kook Is Back In Town

I've been bugged to start blogging again. Actually I have been being bugged for months. Problem is, when you've had all the crap that the past 8 months have brought me you sort of don't give a shit about writing anything, let alone write about what's happening in your life or how you're feeling about it all. If I had it would have been enough to drive who ever was reading it to drink. So after a miscarriage, partner fucking off, nervous breakdown and then being diagnosed with MS (Let's also not forget the death of Randy Savage) my answer when bugged about how I should start blogging again has been a big fat “Meh.”

Then there's the issue of my laptop being buggered. After being driven into the ground for nearly 4 years it finally tapped out while I was in hospital. I've managed to bring it back to a semi usable state enough to browse the internet, email etc, but running any other significant programs is a struggle. The main problem I have though in terms of writing is the screen. It's fried along with the graphics card etc. which makes it impossible to write. I can just about see text enough to send a quick tweet or do a quick forum post a couple of lines long but that's it. One thing that does still work though, is my webcam, so I have been vlogging. My iPhone is a godsend.

And, to be honest I have just been too damn busy wallowing in my own self pity to give blogging the time of day.

But I have been doing that for too long, and I could feel depression creeping up behind me like a Minecraft Creeper. 

"Oh hey! I'm just gonna come and ruin your life for a bit, k?"

Everywhere I turned it was there, taunting me. 

I then reached the stage where I hated myself for feeling like this. Truly hated myself and constantly verbally abused my being in my head. But the part of me that I hated didn't actually give a damn. It just shrugged, said 'whatever' and went back to eating ice cream. That started to reflect in reality too, I didn't care that I looked a mess, that my house wasn't tidy, that I was starting to put on weight again, that I wasn't behaving like my usual self and that I was making a mess of everything.

And then came the realisation of it all, hitting me like a truck. Who the fuck is this person that has been dragging me down and ruining my life? Oh, it's me. And I'm sick of her. So I told her to fuck off and have given her the boot. I can't have this evil twin of mine running my life because what I have left of it is precious and it's high time that I had some fun and lived a little, especially after the news I've just had regarding my MS which I vlogged about and will post it here. I need to get off my backside and start doing things that I want to do. Of course though, this will require money, something that I am severely lacking. I need to find a way of earning in my own time from home that also doesn't require any start up costs, for example needing a new laptop sort of puts a stop on every possibility. Then there's the government trying to cut DLA which is really fucking helpful.

So with the stress of all of this it's become clear that to be able to cope with my disease and life's annoyances that stem from it, I need to take my mind off it all which comes back to doing things that make me happy, or just doing something that I can focus on. With that in mind I guess it makes sense that I do start up my blogging again. This blog has been many things over the years and I still refuse to put a label on it. The point is, it's my blog. Mine. Time to give it a make over a bit more fitting to my style and drag it out of the ground, similar to what I'm trying to do with my life really. Watch this space. 

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