Sunday, 29 December 2013

Have Yourself A Merry Little Breakdown...

Untitled
I'm currently sat drafting up this post at my dining table, on actual pen and paper. Lately I have noticed just how bad my handwriting has got- A problem that everyone with M.S experiences. So I've told myself I must practice my writing as much as possible, even though it really does hurt!

Yes,Overall my M.S has got worse. Much worse. And I'm finding more and more every day just how much it's getting to me both physically and mentally. It makes coping with life's difficulties much harder, so when shit gets tough it's almost like you are at constant war with it. 
Usually, I can cope with anything pretty damn well. Life throws an awful lot at me for some reason. Sometimes it does get too much and I can see a breakdown coming a mile off. In these situations I look into my faith. I cannot call myself a Buddhist as I drink, but Buddhism is more to do with 'Being Buddha', and practicing kindness and compassion. I tell myself that the universe must be doing this for a reason, there is a lesson hidden in it or even that I am taking all of this so that someone not as strong as myself doesn't have to. Even if I do end up having a breakdown, I try not to judge the universe, 

I have had more breakdowns than I care to share. Most with only myself for help and support to pull me through and I've done it, becoming stronger and almost reborn in a way. I have been in some truly dark places but luckily always found my light. 
This time though is different. It started several weeks ago, I noticed my stress was getting to me a lot more than usual but I plodded on. I quickly fell into the "numb" stage without even realising it. I had no interest in anything, even my own life. 
My Doctor told me to be careful that I don't slip and completely break, It kind of went straight out the other ear. At the time I was thinking, I've had breakdowns, I know what to do, I know to try and not be alone and keep myself as busy as possible, And I know I should start letting friends in and asking for help. 
But I didn't. 
Instead I ignored everything. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't go out of the house. Yet still I thought I was doing OK. I wasn't. And on Thursday I snapped. I completely broke. I cried from lunchtime uncontrollably until I fell asleep. Nothing triggered it, nothing bad had happened. Friday as much as I tried not to I still cried, until my son caught me and asked why I was crying. I quickly blamed my M.S and took my mind to a happier place by taking him into town for a hot drink. It helped. Yesterday I was by myself. I had made plans to catch up on house work but all I managed to do was sit on the sofa for most of the day. It did however allow me to think. Lately being left alone with my thoughts has been damaging, but yesterday I was able to think a little clearer and could remind myself of all the things that usually help pull me through. 

Untitled

I'm trying to look at this as a period of rebirth, not just to the stronger me but the 'real' me. And by that I mean getting shot of all the stresses that got me here in the first place, and most importantly not blaming myself for it. If I don't like something I should change it. Perhaps all this is the universe telling me to sort my life out instead of just dreaming about it. 

Untitled

That's all still a long way off yet. Now is a time for healing. I can start to make plans while I meditate positive thoughts. Positive visions create positive actions. 


Blessings x

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Saturday, 28 September 2013

Worst Relapse I Have Ever Had

While my fingers are kind of working I'm goig to quickly share with you the video diaries I've been keeping over my latest relapse. Forgive me if I don't make sense, I'm half blind and what I can see is double along with my fingers not working properly!

Thursday, 12 September 2013

The Running Mat Review Part 1

With the rise in people getting into fitness more are looking for different ways to workout. When it comes to fitness products, they have to move forward too to cater for the market and are coming out with innovative multipurpose accessories so you can make your workout count.

One such product is now out and its called The Running Mat

Designed to be portable it's perfect for those of us who like to take our workouts outside, and can even be worn on the body whilst running for example. It's extremely light weight and folds down flat, it's also waterproof so perfect if the ground is a little muddy. Ideal for personal trainers too! 

Here is part one of my video review, the next will be me giving it a full test run outside which will hopefully be up soon.


Tuesday, 2 July 2013

VOLTZ Raspberry Ketones Review

I love trying out new supplements, but when it comes to things claiming that they cut fat and other attention grabbing sales lines I'm the biggest skeptic. 
The right fitness and nutrition is key to any weight loss, without it you will see no results. But can a simple little capsule supplement made from raspberries really help cut a little fat? 
Well my dears, yes it can. 


From the VOLTZ site:

What is Raspberry Ketone?


For years, we have been drawn to raspberries because of their vibrant colour and sweet, tangy taste. Nutritionists are now learning that these fabulous fruits also contain ketones and believe that they are as healthy and beneficial to the body as they are delicious! Leading US Physician, author, and talk show host, Dr. Oz, even recommends raspberry ketones for aiding in weight loss. When speaking on the topic of raspberry ketone supplements he stated that they were "The #1 miracle in a bottle to burn your fat." In fact, raspberry ketones seem to be one of nature's best kept secrets for helping people live healthy, boost their energy, and feel great! 


Why buy Voltz Raspberry Ketone?


Voltz Raspberry Ketone 600mg is the highest strength PURE Raspberry Ketone available. It's 100% natural and UK manufactured in our GMP facility. We never use any filler ingredients or chemical compounds. Each dose is safe, effective, and contains no stimulants. 


100% Money Back Guarantee! Because we are completely convinced that you will love our products, we offer a 100% money back guarantee on every purchase! If you are not completely satisfied, simply return the product container for a full refund. Our customers are always our top priority and our guarantee is proof of our commitment to quality and satisfaction. 


100% Price Guarantee! When purchasing from Voltz Supplements you can be sure you are getting your supplements direct from the source. We manufacture all our supplements in UK GMP facilities and sell direct to the public, no middlemen, no high street mark-ups just great service at the right price. If you find you could have purchased a similar product cheaper please get in touch and we will refund you the difference

I have never been so excited to share my experience of a product. This stuff really does work! 
I beg you all to try this product, you will not be disappointed.


And here's a discount code for 10% off!
POYWCYNLR4

Monday, 1 July 2013

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturiser (oil free) Review

What I Wore Wednesday 26/6/13

Please forgive the close up pictures, I had to use my webcam!


This is what I wore for my driving test and a quick nip into town.



Picture 29

Keeping it nice and simple and comfortable, you just cant beat a pair of leggings. Dress up or down! 
Vest - New Look (current) £4, Leggings - New Look (current) £: I can't really remember, but their range of leggings is fantastic and great prices! 

Picture 33

Teamed with my Pink Vans! From local shop Skintrade £45

Picture 24

And I just pooped to the shop so chucked this on :) 
Jacket - Zara (current) £69.99


 pleated poppy

I Passed My Driving Test!

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

New Addition To The Family

I've been looking for the perfect cat for so long, and today I met this little lady.



Untitled Untitled Untitled Untitled


I pick her up in 3 weeks. Let the name finding begin!

Isle of Wight Festival 2013 Round-up

Monday, 10 June 2013

Tysabri Update Week 8/9

May 2013 Favourites!

Here are my favourite products for May 2013, including body, beauty,fragrance and fitness accessories. 


Monday, 3 June 2013

Thursday, 16 May 2013

Sudden Personality Change

I'm going through something right now that's not very nice. 


Wednesday, 8 May 2013

What I Wore Wednesday 8/05/13

WIWW8_5_13

Skirt - New Look (current), Vest - H&M, Denim Jacket - New Look (current), Bag - NICA, Sunglasses - Tiffany & Co (current). 
Not seen: Flip Flops - Haviana.

For a quick dash around town. Weather has been so hot and sunny but today it's slightly grey. Warming back up for the weekend though! 


 pleated poppy

Monday, 29 April 2013

Tysabri Week 3 Update

Been feeling crappy :(


Thursday, 18 April 2013

Simple Yummy Roast Chicken

There are a few things that I do quite well. Unfortunately since my MS has progressed I have had to say goodbye to a lot of my little hobbies. 
Luckily so I'm told, I can still cook. 
I've got all sorts of roast recipes, but this one is probably the most simple and the one that when I cook for others they always ask how I do it so I thought it's about time I shared!


Untitled


You'll need:
The Chicken (duh)
Olive Oil
1-2 Garlic Cloves (to taste)
A lemon
An Onion
Oregano
Salt 
Pepper


Whilst your oven is preheating (I usually have mine at gas mark 7 but everyone's oven is different) chop the garlic into chunks and insert them into the chicken, stabbing a little hole with a knife and pushing a chunk in. I usually use about 1 and 1/2 cloves and put the rest of the chunks up the chook's bum. 


Cut an onion in half and place it inside the chicken, and do the same with half a lemon so they're both side by side. Squeeze the left over half of the lemon all over the chicken.


Shower the whole chicken in olive oil. This is where most of my oil goes each week! Then season with salt and pepper before sprinkling the oregano all over it. 


Untitled 


Shove it in the oven for an hour, baste it, and then depending on the size of the chicken put it in again for another 20-40 mins. 



Untitled 


Taadaa! 

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Review: The Beach Diaries 2012 - By Stuart Millard

Kook Cover

Anyone who has ever visited a beach has at some point seen something and wondered if what they're seeing is real. Or like me, those who live with beaches on our front doors see these sights daily. 
We've all gasped at the sight of grotesque woman and felt sorry for the bikini that's a million sizes too small and has clearly given up on it's miserable threadbare life. The old man with just Speedos disappearing up his hairy ass crack accompanied by sandals and socks pulled up to his knees. The stupid tourists picking up a piece of fossilised wood and shouting they've found a dinosaur bone (OK, that's more of an Isle of Wight problem I admit).
But have you ever actually stopped for a minute and just watched these sights? Ever seen something so mind boggling you immediately have to text your best friend and try to describe it, but fail to capture the bizarreness in text so your mate things you're a loony? Does no one understand when you want to talk about all the crazy things you've seen during the day?

** A guy in a fedora walks down to the sea with his girlfriend.
Within seconds, he's taken out a little Hawaiian guitar, and strums out the only two chords he knows while leaning on the breakwater, like some prick from a dating site commercial. I'd bet my life that he's got a didgeridoo he takes out at parties. “I'll just get the old didge...”

Well, a South Coast living man has answered your people watching prayers. Armed with a pen and a pad he sits and watches, never having to wait long before the socially challenged make their appearance.

Stuart Millard has been delighting the internet with his Beach Diaries since 2011, providing the perfect accessory to your summer.

** There's a sound of irritation from a passing man, 
a vocalised tut.

I was so looking forwards to that as well.” On the ground
behind him, a smashed chocolate ice-cream dies in the sun.

Delivering a daily dose of beach life on his blog with beautiful honestly and a sharp wit, he gives you a daily glimpse into the greasy, salt encrusted window of the Great British Beach.

** Two little girls animatedly point at the giant shark whose
head crashes through the sign at the top of the steps to the adventure golf.

Crazy golf! We have to play, we have to!”

I don't think I'll get up there,” says their dad from his
wheelchair.

Written in such a style that has you laughing out loud, you can relate to every sentence in The Beach Diaries 2012, building up a connection with the promenade atmosphere that leaves you desperately thristy for more.

It's a perfect way of exposing idiots too. The one's everyone has experienced and wished everyone else knew of the stupidity you just experienced.

** A lad passes, talking into a phone. At this stage, you're all
well enough up on their mating habits that I've no need to tell you just how shirtless he is.
Oi, Shay,” he says, “there's so much fuckin' gash down
here...” As if to prove a point, his gaze snags on a pair of girls in those shorts that are so tiny, the pockets hang loose against their thighs. 
“So. Much. Gash.”

The Beach Diaries 2012 is available to download here, and I cannot recommend them enough. Guaranteed to make you laugh and want to run to the nearest beach to see such sights for yourself, It is a must have for your Kindle or phone.

One word of warning though, like I said before, this will make you laugh. Out loud. So just be careful when reading in a public place, and think wisely on which bits you read out when an elderly person gets up in your business and asks what you're reading. 

Kook Chimp

Saturday, 13 April 2013

The Importance of Water


Everyone knows that it is recommended we drink at least 8 glasses of water a day, but how many people actually know why?

waterlime

Our bodies are mostly water. Our skin is 70% water, Blood is 80%, Muscle is 75% and bone is 25%. Constant hydration is needed to insure that our bodies are working to their full potential. If your skin is effected when you're not drinking enough, such as dry skin, acne, generally unhappy skin, imagine what lack of enough water is doing to your insides? Whilst most people substitute with liquids like juices, energy drinks and other moist things, they are no match for the power of water. Do you really want your skin to be made up of artificial sweeteners and other nasties?

waterfitness

Let's bullet point some benefits.

Water is crucial to cell renewal in your body. Skin, muscles, bone, everything.
Your brain functions properly when you are well hydrated.
Lack of fluids can be mistaken for hunger (thanks brain!)
Water is a great mood booster.
Fights off fatigue and even increases energy levels.
Improves temperature regulations.
Fights headaches and pains.
Aids digestion.
Flushes out toxins.
Helps concentration.
Helps  you exercise efficiently.
Weight loss.

Yes, weight loss. Your body works at it's best when it is hydrated and that includes fat burning as well as digestion. Also, when your body is dehydrated, it holds on to what little water it has. Anyone can suffer from water retention, even when they have a normal healthy diet. Sometimes illness can cause it and even, oddly, the weather. To fight water retention you must stay hydrated.

I have a little trick I found on the internet for when I'm retaining water.
In a regular 500ml bottle of water I put about 1/3 of a capsule of dandelion root, a few drops of unsweetened cranberry juice and a few drops of lemon juice. It really does help to shed the water weight!

If you drink right, you will be able to visibly see the benefits after just one week. Your skin will be healthier and can even glow, your hair will be healthier too along with your nails. You might even already see some inch loss! On a good day I drink at least 2l of water, on a bad day I'd say 1l, which really isn't enough! There's no trick here, you just have to kick your ass and get into the water habit. Perhaps setting yourself a reminder on your phone? Or, time mark your water bottle.

tumblr_m4le70ain71rwdbfco1_5001

Go and have a drink of water, NOW! 

I've Had My 1st Infusion!

It went great and I'm feeling awesome! 
Here's a vlog summing up how I'm feeling today :)




Bring on the rest of my treatment!!

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Vlogging Again!

tumblr_mkucq2mzXM1qd3joro1_500

I'm back up and vlogging again, so hop on over to my YouTube channel where I will now be regular with videos again! :)

Friday, 5 April 2013

Shiny New Gym!!!

893595_482436888478547_1996260953_o

Beautiful isn't it??

We now have a proper gym. With equipment that works. And lots of it. 

I'm recovering from flu at the moment, still not 100% but the second I am I think I'll just move in to the gym. It officially opens Monday, but we got a tour to check out all the new equipment on Thursday. I honestly wanted to hug every single machine. 
It sounds pathetic, but when you've been putting up with the poor facilities that we have for years, this really is big news. 

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Cold Weather and MS

Firstly, I must apologise for being crap.
The weather here has been so cold and wet for so long now it's left me very fragile, stiff and generally sent my worst and most painful MS symptoms through the roof. 
I'm struggling to make it to the gym 3 times a week, made even more difficult by the refurbishment and it only being open now at certain times. 


Untitled 


I did manage my London trip, just. 
It really took it out of me though and opened my eyes to how disabled UNfriendly London is, especially when you're travelling on your own with a suitcase. I'm still paying for it over a week later. I must really concentrate on resting and recovering.  

Untitled

I wish I was still here...But travelling by car and to be in my own bed in the evening. 

Weather affects people with MS in different ways. Some people find heat makes their symptoms worse, others the cold. 
Whilst I do overheat a lot and it makes me quite ill, it's the cold that's worse for me. Everyone is different, but the symptoms I'm experiencing are extreme muscle stiffness and spasticity along with lots and lots of aches and stabbing pain. I think I'm also feeling the cold a lot more than the average person, as I'll be stone cold to the touch when someone in the same room as me is normal temperature. I'm also shivering when the heating is on full blast and I'm in a million layers of clothes. 
Another thing I'm experiencing lately is something I've not had for a long time, and that's the 'MS Hug'. The 'Hug' Is caused by a lesion on the spinal cord that causes muscles around the chest to spasm and tighten. Think of the Hulk giving you a bear hug. 
Also, my cognitive abilities have all gone to shit. I can't think at all. Concentration on anything is seconds long, if I can concentrate at all. The other night I even caught myself slurring my words. 
My body is constantly screaming for fuel too. All I want to do is eat :(

It's March for christ's sake. This time last year we had a heatwave and I was on the beach drinking PIMMS. I just want to wear my damn flip flops and be able to move.

In positive news, I'm starting my new treatment a week today. 

Thursday, 28 February 2013

Checking In

Just a quick one to let you all know I'm OK, and finally on my steroids. 


Untitled


I've actually been telling everyone I've been at Rekall...

Little different this time, I'm usually given 500mg a day for 5 days which is a ridiculously high dose. This time, I'm playing guinea pig and being given 1000mg. That's right, a whole gram of the strongest steroid you can get. 
The good news is though that it's working, I've got the steroid buzz which I don't often get now where I'm on them so much, and I'd even go so far as to say that today I thought I saw a very very slight improvement in my sight. 
Tomorrow is the last day of my course which is great because going back and forth to hospital everyday and having my venflon in constantly (it sucks when it's cold as you have to layer up, not easy with a bunch of wires sticking out your arm!). 
Depending on how I'm feeling tomorrow I might go to the gym. Even if I just do 10mins on a bike not being at the gym is destroying me mentally. 

In the mean time I suppose I had better get to Mars...

Sunday, 24 February 2013

New Tattoo!

And a little update. I'm relapsing :( 
My steroids were ordered on the 11th and I'm still waiting for them due to a worldwide shortage. The soonest I can get an IV for 3 days is Wednesday so as you can imagine I feel like crap. One good thing about this relapse though? This is the first I've had since going to the gym 5 days a week, and I feel exactly the same as I did when I was diagnosed (when I was also exercising). It's just my sight. Half blind but mobility wise isn't as bad as when I usually relapse. Now though that the relapse is progressing obviously it's like I've been hit by a train, but still. Waiting so long for my medication hasn't helped anything either. I was due a relapse, but it going untreated for so long is hell and not what I was expecting. I just want to get better, it's really put a black cloud over my mood progress.


Anyway, let's have some good news, yes?



On the 16th I toddled off to Brighton for the Tattoo Convention. Very silly and dangerous going on my own but it's not like I was going anywhere where I wouldn't be safe if something was to happen like I collapsed or suddenly lost all movement in my limbs. 



Untitled


I wouldn't have gone if it wasn't for something important of course...


Untitled



Untitled
Can we take a moment to appreciate the little bicep I've got going on here??


Untitled


And fresh out the shower when I got home...


Untitled


The journey home was hell and really did a number on me. Lot's of delays and changes :(

A week later and it's healing well for someone that generally doesn't heal. I've kept a close eye on it to see what it does and so far so good! 

Also I am so excited for the PS4. I watched the event live and squealed all the way through. Put my preorder down on Friday :D 
Now, Back to Metal Gear! 

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Why Use Whey Protein?


tumblr_mi3qk1AxE51qd3joro1_1280
I LOVE MY PROTEIN!!

This is a question I get asked a lot and many are surprised at the answers, especially women. There's a lot of confusion and stigma surrounding protein supplements so hopefully I'll be able to debunk some of these myths for you.

First of all, What IS Whey Protein?

It's a great source of essential amino acids every body needs every day and made from cows milk. Whey protein isolate is whey in it's purest form and contains no lactose, cholesterol and little to no fat at all.

What is it for?

Most people associate high protein intake as essential for athletes to gain muscle mass. But it does so much more! For weight management it takes more calories to burn a high protein meal (the thermic effect) and also helps to stabilise glucose levels, reducing hunger and making it easier for the body to burn fat.
It can also help with hypertension, the leading cause of heart attacks and strokes.
It has even been shown to inhibit the growth of tumours.
Have a colicky baby? Try a whey protein based formula! Also great in pregnancy.
It can help prevent bone loss (something I have to keep a very close eye on even at 25).
When the body is healing it requires more protein, so a high intake of protein can help wounds heal quicker.

Now I must point out that it is by no means essential that you use whey if you workout, but for someone such as myself who needs a little extra nutritional help it can be extremely beneficial. Personally, I have 2 shakes a day. The times vary as one of them I have after the gym. After just a week of using it I noticed a difference even though I wasn't working out at the gym. The thing is, for someone with MS, just getting out of bed and getting through the day is a workout!

Recommendations?

I LOVE the Phd products. They are divine and have something for everyone. I currently use Phd's Synergy ISO-7 and I buy from www.Dolphinfitness.co.uk. I highly recommend that supplier, great prices and great service.  

Daily Motivation

tumblr_metawgdfLd1s05dwwo1_500

Monday, 11 February 2013

Fitness - My Story


For a long time I've wanted to merge my fitness obsession in with my blog, but without turning it into a pure fitness blog.
People who are 'obsessed' with fitness also have lives and other passions and I want to share the whole package with you and not just the fitness side of things.
The time has come.

So I guess my story is a good place to start?

Well it's much the same as any other woman's. Have a child, gain weight etc. But I took it to a whole new level. I went from a petite uk size 10 to a whale-tastic 20/22/24 depending on where I shopped. At my heaviest I was 18 stone 7lb.
18045_219929727114_556492114_3507209_2223503_n
Christmas day 2009

One day I woke up and realised that I had spent all this time and energy and bloody hard work into stuffing my face all to build this wall. A wall of protection from god knows what. I wasn't hungry, but I'd still make myself eat. Sometimes I was so full that I would even throw up, but then 20mins later was eating again. Anyone who says that getting fat is because you're lazy needs to realise that it takes hard work and dedication to get to the size that I was. Laziness would be not eating at all.
DSCN2250
January 2010

I had to change. My Doctor was threatening me with a gastric band and pretty much shouting at me that my tiny frame was being crushed. Something had to be done, and suddenly I realised that this wall needed to go. I don't need it anymore. Obviously I couldn't go hell for leather exercising so it was all through diet until I hit a plateau. That was when I discovered The Cambridge Weight Plan. I lost 3 stone on the plan and then following the basic principles of the plan. I also began exercising and discovered the amazing P90X, by then I had lost 5 stone.
Untitled
October 2010 - January 2012

Then came the biggest and most devastating shock I could never have imagined. On the 18th of October 2011 I went half blind in both eyes. After a lot of confusion, panic and worry, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Nearly a month in hospital really took it's toll on me physically and mentally. My whole life had to change. A month before I was running 5 miles and working out all day every day. When I got home I struggled to walk to the end of the road, even with a crutch.

I wont go on about my MS too much, there's plenty of that in my other MS tagged posts.

Since my diagnosis I have lost a further 2 stone just through diet alone. My consultants and nurses forbid me to do any exercise as I was relapsing over and over like clock work. In 2012, I worked out twice. TWICE. And I still lost those 2 stone. This year however I'm fighting back. I want to prove to everyone disabled or not that even if you do have a disability, you can still exercise. Modification to YOUR needs is key.

I have started working out again and finally been allowed to join the gym. I have the most amazing gym instructor who knows my needs physically and mentally, and together we are kicking ass. At home I'm modifying programs such as P90X which I will go into in later posts. In the gym I'm adapting my workouts to my needs on that particular day, everyday and I'm feeling the benefits already. Obviously my MS symptoms will never go away and will still get worse, but even though I'm wobbling all over the place I feel that my poor crunchy and frail bones are a lot more supported by the muscle. And even if I can't move a particular muscle that day, the fact is that the muscle is still there supporting my body.
My current total weightloss is 7 stone 5lb
tumblr_mi0nu5fNSF1qd3joro1_500
February 2013 mid Pilates workout 

Yes I'm disabled. Yes I turn up at the gym with my crutches half the time. Yes I get stared at. Yes it fucking hurts. But YES I'm doing it.
I have MS. What's YOUR excuse? 

Sunday, 27 January 2013

"Why don't you write anymore Jaymee?"


Most of my youth was spent writing or drawing. As I got older I wrote more and drawing didn't do much for me. I didn't really have friends, those that I did were either too busy with other friends or lived far away. I couldn't go out. Didn't have any hobbies. Writing for me was an escape, something I could completely lose myself in and forget reality for a bit. Like drama class at school.

People loved my stories. Whether it was a sci-fi affair or a gritty short. Action packed or horror that would leave people freaked out for days. Actually I remember someone telling me a week after they read one particular story that they had nightmares about it. I wasn't pleased that they were completely mind fucked, I was pleased that they got and understood what was inside my story. 

But as life got busier I wrote less. Until one day I just couldn't write at all, I couldn't even think. This has gone on for years what I thought was some sort of permanent writers block. But when I was asked the other day why I don't write anymore I decided to think long and hard about it. Why indeed. My cognitive functioning is as useful as a concrete block and physically, my brain feels like that too. This is all my MS's doing.

I began to consult Dr Google, and there are dozens and dozens of writers with MS talking about the same problem and how they cope with it. All saying the same thing and flooding you with links to videos and study articles explaining the proven benefits of cannabis. 
Now don't get me wrong, I am fully behind all these facts 100% and will always defend the medical use of it, but at the end of the day smoking it can still give you cancer and I'm just not down with that. We should concentrate on more cannabis based medicines to help people safely so they don't just smoke it and get all the nasty side effects the drug can have. But all of this doesn't help the likes of me. I'm too dependent on too many things right now, emotionally and physically. I don't need something else I have to reach for. 

I need to find ways of clearing the brain fog all on my own. But I have a lot of things currently going on and concentrating on anything at all is not only hard but it physically hurts my head. I need to dive head first into things that help me escape but most importantly keep me busy. What do you do when you can't go anywhere or workout at home or for that matter do anything productive at all. Imagine being trapped inside your own head, exactly where you don't want to be at that precise moment. You get so tired so quickly. All your days just merge together. You wake, you get the day over as quickly as possible, you force sleep, you repeat.
If only I could find inspiration. A single idea that could grow and allow me to write something. Anything. Something to lose myself in, create my own world that I could go visit whenever I wanted. Kevin Flynn had the right idea. 

I have some positive little projects in the background too which I will talk more of as time goes on. Right now I don't want to jynx anything. I've changed a lot lately and still changing. All for the better in my opinion. I've decided it's time to do what I want with my life. And I want to be able to write when I want to. 

But what if this story isn't about me? What if this story is about the little marijuana plant? Just trying to get ahead in life helping people, but ends up getting used and abused and being given a bad reputation? 

I also think I've been drinking too much lately.