Sunday, 27 January 2013

"Why don't you write anymore Jaymee?"


Most of my youth was spent writing or drawing. As I got older I wrote more and drawing didn't do much for me. I didn't really have friends, those that I did were either too busy with other friends or lived far away. I couldn't go out. Didn't have any hobbies. Writing for me was an escape, something I could completely lose myself in and forget reality for a bit. Like drama class at school.

People loved my stories. Whether it was a sci-fi affair or a gritty short. Action packed or horror that would leave people freaked out for days. Actually I remember someone telling me a week after they read one particular story that they had nightmares about it. I wasn't pleased that they were completely mind fucked, I was pleased that they got and understood what was inside my story. 

But as life got busier I wrote less. Until one day I just couldn't write at all, I couldn't even think. This has gone on for years what I thought was some sort of permanent writers block. But when I was asked the other day why I don't write anymore I decided to think long and hard about it. Why indeed. My cognitive functioning is as useful as a concrete block and physically, my brain feels like that too. This is all my MS's doing.

I began to consult Dr Google, and there are dozens and dozens of writers with MS talking about the same problem and how they cope with it. All saying the same thing and flooding you with links to videos and study articles explaining the proven benefits of cannabis. 
Now don't get me wrong, I am fully behind all these facts 100% and will always defend the medical use of it, but at the end of the day smoking it can still give you cancer and I'm just not down with that. We should concentrate on more cannabis based medicines to help people safely so they don't just smoke it and get all the nasty side effects the drug can have. But all of this doesn't help the likes of me. I'm too dependent on too many things right now, emotionally and physically. I don't need something else I have to reach for. 

I need to find ways of clearing the brain fog all on my own. But I have a lot of things currently going on and concentrating on anything at all is not only hard but it physically hurts my head. I need to dive head first into things that help me escape but most importantly keep me busy. What do you do when you can't go anywhere or workout at home or for that matter do anything productive at all. Imagine being trapped inside your own head, exactly where you don't want to be at that precise moment. You get so tired so quickly. All your days just merge together. You wake, you get the day over as quickly as possible, you force sleep, you repeat.
If only I could find inspiration. A single idea that could grow and allow me to write something. Anything. Something to lose myself in, create my own world that I could go visit whenever I wanted. Kevin Flynn had the right idea. 

I have some positive little projects in the background too which I will talk more of as time goes on. Right now I don't want to jynx anything. I've changed a lot lately and still changing. All for the better in my opinion. I've decided it's time to do what I want with my life. And I want to be able to write when I want to. 

But what if this story isn't about me? What if this story is about the little marijuana plant? Just trying to get ahead in life helping people, but ends up getting used and abused and being given a bad reputation? 

I also think I've been drinking too much lately.