Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Review: The Beach Diaries 2012 - By Stuart Millard

Kook Cover

Anyone who has ever visited a beach has at some point seen something and wondered if what they're seeing is real. Or like me, those who live with beaches on our front doors see these sights daily. 
We've all gasped at the sight of grotesque woman and felt sorry for the bikini that's a million sizes too small and has clearly given up on it's miserable threadbare life. The old man with just Speedos disappearing up his hairy ass crack accompanied by sandals and socks pulled up to his knees. The stupid tourists picking up a piece of fossilised wood and shouting they've found a dinosaur bone (OK, that's more of an Isle of Wight problem I admit).
But have you ever actually stopped for a minute and just watched these sights? Ever seen something so mind boggling you immediately have to text your best friend and try to describe it, but fail to capture the bizarreness in text so your mate things you're a loony? Does no one understand when you want to talk about all the crazy things you've seen during the day?

** A guy in a fedora walks down to the sea with his girlfriend.
Within seconds, he's taken out a little Hawaiian guitar, and strums out the only two chords he knows while leaning on the breakwater, like some prick from a dating site commercial. I'd bet my life that he's got a didgeridoo he takes out at parties. “I'll just get the old didge...”

Well, a South Coast living man has answered your people watching prayers. Armed with a pen and a pad he sits and watches, never having to wait long before the socially challenged make their appearance.

Stuart Millard has been delighting the internet with his Beach Diaries since 2011, providing the perfect accessory to your summer.

** There's a sound of irritation from a passing man, 
a vocalised tut.

I was so looking forwards to that as well.” On the ground
behind him, a smashed chocolate ice-cream dies in the sun.

Delivering a daily dose of beach life on his blog with beautiful honestly and a sharp wit, he gives you a daily glimpse into the greasy, salt encrusted window of the Great British Beach.

** Two little girls animatedly point at the giant shark whose
head crashes through the sign at the top of the steps to the adventure golf.

Crazy golf! We have to play, we have to!”

I don't think I'll get up there,” says their dad from his
wheelchair.

Written in such a style that has you laughing out loud, you can relate to every sentence in The Beach Diaries 2012, building up a connection with the promenade atmosphere that leaves you desperately thristy for more.

It's a perfect way of exposing idiots too. The one's everyone has experienced and wished everyone else knew of the stupidity you just experienced.

** A lad passes, talking into a phone. At this stage, you're all
well enough up on their mating habits that I've no need to tell you just how shirtless he is.
Oi, Shay,” he says, “there's so much fuckin' gash down
here...” As if to prove a point, his gaze snags on a pair of girls in those shorts that are so tiny, the pockets hang loose against their thighs. 
“So. Much. Gash.”

The Beach Diaries 2012 is available to download here, and I cannot recommend them enough. Guaranteed to make you laugh and want to run to the nearest beach to see such sights for yourself, It is a must have for your Kindle or phone.

One word of warning though, like I said before, this will make you laugh. Out loud. So just be careful when reading in a public place, and think wisely on which bits you read out when an elderly person gets up in your business and asks what you're reading. 

Kook Chimp

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