Sunday, 29 December 2013

Have Yourself A Merry Little Breakdown...

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I'm currently sat drafting up this post at my dining table, on actual pen and paper. Lately I have noticed just how bad my handwriting has got- A problem that everyone with M.S experiences. So I've told myself I must practice my writing as much as possible, even though it really does hurt!

Yes,Overall my M.S has got worse. Much worse. And I'm finding more and more every day just how much it's getting to me both physically and mentally. It makes coping with life's difficulties much harder, so when shit gets tough it's almost like you are at constant war with it. 
Usually, I can cope with anything pretty damn well. Life throws an awful lot at me for some reason. Sometimes it does get too much and I can see a breakdown coming a mile off. In these situations I look into my faith. I cannot call myself a Buddhist as I drink, but Buddhism is more to do with 'Being Buddha', and practicing kindness and compassion. I tell myself that the universe must be doing this for a reason, there is a lesson hidden in it or even that I am taking all of this so that someone not as strong as myself doesn't have to. Even if I do end up having a breakdown, I try not to judge the universe, 

I have had more breakdowns than I care to share. Most with only myself for help and support to pull me through and I've done it, becoming stronger and almost reborn in a way. I have been in some truly dark places but luckily always found my light. 
This time though is different. It started several weeks ago, I noticed my stress was getting to me a lot more than usual but I plodded on. I quickly fell into the "numb" stage without even realising it. I had no interest in anything, even my own life. 
My Doctor told me to be careful that I don't slip and completely break, It kind of went straight out the other ear. At the time I was thinking, I've had breakdowns, I know what to do, I know to try and not be alone and keep myself as busy as possible, And I know I should start letting friends in and asking for help. 
But I didn't. 
Instead I ignored everything. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't go out of the house. Yet still I thought I was doing OK. I wasn't. And on Thursday I snapped. I completely broke. I cried from lunchtime uncontrollably until I fell asleep. Nothing triggered it, nothing bad had happened. Friday as much as I tried not to I still cried, until my son caught me and asked why I was crying. I quickly blamed my M.S and took my mind to a happier place by taking him into town for a hot drink. It helped. Yesterday I was by myself. I had made plans to catch up on house work but all I managed to do was sit on the sofa for most of the day. It did however allow me to think. Lately being left alone with my thoughts has been damaging, but yesterday I was able to think a little clearer and could remind myself of all the things that usually help pull me through. 

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I'm trying to look at this as a period of rebirth, not just to the stronger me but the 'real' me. And by that I mean getting shot of all the stresses that got me here in the first place, and most importantly not blaming myself for it. If I don't like something I should change it. Perhaps all this is the universe telling me to sort my life out instead of just dreaming about it. 

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That's all still a long way off yet. Now is a time for healing. I can start to make plans while I meditate positive thoughts. Positive visions create positive actions. 


Blessings x

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